CHAPTER TITLES WITH EXCERPTS

Introduction

Judaism has thus developed and emphasized ways of dealing with hardships of all types that occur in the lives of all of us at one time or another. Its Great Books go back thousands of years and teach lessons that are timeless and universal in their application. These lessons, as they pertain to illness and other struggles of life, will be the subjects of this book. While the lessons may stem from Jewish tradition, our belief is that anyone, regardless of his or her faith—indeed, regardless of whether or not one even identifies with any religion at all—may be able to learn from these lessons and use them to improve all lives.


1. Coping with the Inevitable Wearing Down of the Body

One may look at Betty and sympathize with her because she has so many infirmities, and because, in the physical sense, her future offers little reason for optimism. But that would be the wrong way to view Betty’s situation and even her life. Instead of possibilities, Betty has realities that she has already achieved, she has fulfilled many of her dreams, she has performed countless good deeds, and she has cultivated meaningful relationships with her family and friends. Best of all, Betty isn’t through yet.

I recall watching Jack Chase, a television newscaster in Boston in the late 1950s and 1960s, who ended his newscasts by saying, “So long . . . and make it a good day.” Now decades later, my memory still provides me the sight and deep baritone sound of the balding Jack Chase. (The memories, like the televised pictures at the time, are in black and white.) What struck me even as a child was Mr. Chase’s premise that it was up to us to make it a good day. We weren’t totally dependent on outside forces in determining whether or not our day will be a “good” one. How empowering!


2. Dealing with Life's Illnesses and Hardships

The question of why events as we see them sometimes make little sense troubled even Moses, who asked God to help him understand. “Pray let me know Your ways that I may know You and continue in Your favor” (Exodus 33:13). The answer from God was that no, this would not be possible, at least not in this world (Exodus 33:20). Despite a strong belief in God (or perhaps because of that belief) Jews have been taught that “It is not in our power to explain either the tranquility of the wicked or the suffering of the righteous” (Pirkei Avot 4:19).

But religion will always be more about faith than about facts. There will be no firm and factual answer to Shelley’s question of “Why me?” in her lifetime.

We read that Miriam then took out a tambourine and led her people in song and celebratory dance. So while the Israelites, in their haste to leave Egypt, didn’t even have enough time to let their bread rise in the ovens, Miriam managed to pack her tambourine! Somehow, she had the optimism to think that although things seemed grim and uncertain, there would, at some point, be reason to celebrate. What a wonderful example for all of us who face medical issues or other trials and tribulations.


3. Accepting God’s Miraculous Help

The conclusion of the study was the following: “Dispositional optimism is a relatively stable trait over fifteen years and shows a graded and inverse association with the risk of cardiovascular death.” That is, those who are generally more optimistic had a better chance of recovery than those who were generally more pessimistic (Giltay, E.J. et al., Archives of Internal Medicine 166 [2206]:431).


4. Caring for Ourselves and Accepting Treatment for Our
Health Conditions

In the course of one of our conversations, Jack made an interesting comment. “I hate to give in and have to take medicine,” he said. By using the term “give in,” he indicated that by taking medication for his blood pressure he was showing a sign of weakness. “You’re not ‘giving in,’” I told him. “You’re using all the measures that are at your disposal to fight this condition. Rather than look upon the taking of medicine as a sign of weakness, you should look at it as a sign of strength.

Our body—this mechanical vessel that carries around our soul—is on loan to you for but a short time. You owe it to yourself, your loved ones, and your Creator to preserve your health to the greatest extent possible.


5. The “Sandwich” Generation: When Life Seems to Demand Too Much

Marcia was in the “sandwich generation.” She had responsibilities as a child, as a parent, and as a wife, each requiring much time and energy. Added to these pressures, she was also dealing with her own issues of work and of financial uncertainty. She questioned whether she and her husband were saving enough for the future. In my judgment, her many sources of stress conspired to cause her symptoms.

Author Thomas Cahill (The Gifts of the Jews) refers to the concept of a Sabbath as one of the greatest contributions that the Jews gave to the entire world. Indeed, it is a unique concept that can improve the quality of everyone's life. People may apply the concept in different ways, but we all need a way and a time for refreshing ourselves, recharging our batteries, and renewing our souls, in order to have the energy required to fulfill our responsibilities at work, at home, and at leisure.


6. Troubled Relationships and Their Effect on How We Feel

In a validation of this biblical verse, University of Virginia psychology professor Timothy Wilson writes:

Aristotle suggested that we acquire virtues by first having put them in action . . . We become just by the practice of just actions, self-controlled by exercising self-control, and courageous by performing acts of courage . . . As suggested by nineteenth century psychologist William James, the more frequently people perform a behavior, the more habitual it becomes, requiring little effort or conscious attention. One of the most enduring lessons of social psychology is that behavior change often precedes (italics the authors’) changes in attitudes and feelings. (Wilson, 211)


7. Dealing with Unfulfilled Dreams and Declining Relevance

Moses is a stark example of a person not being able to fulfill his life’s goals. This great leader was so exalted that he spoke with God. “Never again did there arise in Israel a prophet like Moses—whom the Lord singled out, face to face” (Deuteronomy 34:10). Yet Moses still didn’t get to see all his dreams and goals realized. Despite what must have been great disappointment, Moses didn’t let God’s decree affect his ability to function as the leader of his people. At the end of Deuteronomy, we find Moses at peace with himself.


8. The Need for Repentance and Personal Boundaries

The second step (in the process of repentence) is asking for forgiveness. This requires courage and empathy—traits that many of us do not have. Seeking forgiveness certainly doesn’t always come easily, but it is an essential step in the process of “return.” In Judaism, we learn that we must ask for forgiveness directly from those against whom we have sinned before we can approach God to forgive us for those sins.

9. A Loved One Is Suddenly Gone. How Do We Go On?

Even before entering the examination room, I knew this would be a difficult visit. Agnes’s husband of over 50 years had died several months earlier. I had sent her a condolence note, but today’s visit was Agnes’s first to the office since his death. As soon as I entered the room, Agnes began to cry.

Now Agnes can honor Frank by making his memory a blessing. How would he want her to act? Wouldn’t he want her to take care of herself and to find enjoyment in her life? Wouldn’t he want her to be a shining example of courage and a source of love for her children and grandchildren? Wouldn’t he be proud of her work in her church’s Social Action Committee? Frank’s good works in the community need not end as a result of his death.


10. Life Support: When and When Not?

Phil wasn’t alert enough to allow me to have an informed discussion with him about the alternatives at this point. His wife and children were at the hospital and, while discussions were cordial, there was clearly a difference of opinion among the family members. Phil’s two children wanted his wishes as stated in his advance directive respected. After all, he had heart and blood disorders, and he was physically limited by other conditions—arthritis, visual impairment, etc. For the children, the issue was clear-cut: no ventilator, just “comfort measures,” meaning that we should take steps only to relieve any pain or discomfort Phil might experience during his plight.

Phil’s wife wasn’t so sure. . .


11. Facing the Stark Reality That Our Days Are Limited

There has recently been a spate of stories in the news media involving well-known people and their battles with cancer. These include the wife of Senator John Edwards, Elizabeth Edwards; Newsweek writer Jonathan Alter; politician and actor Fred Thompson; Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow; and the former head of the National Institutes of Health, Doctor Bernadine Healy. Some of these figures have related firsthand stories and have given interviews that are emotionally compelling. They also give insights into how they have coped with such illness and the ensuing emotional upheaval.

So informed by the Jewish religion, what can we say to Al? Some of the possibilities are listed below. As we read over this list, isn’t it striking that it could apply to all of us on any day of our lives? Why wait until we are facing imminent death? Certainly, there is something compelling about confronting our own mortality that makes us introspective and more open to change. There is no reason why we can’t consider the components of this list at any time. Why wait? If not now, when? The hour may be later than we think.


12. Ten Commandments for Coping with Adversity

Sources and Additional Reading